OCD
Magic Sword of Grayskull
Sep/28/08 22:47
I was talking
with my wife today while my 20-month-old daughter was
watching old He-Man episodes (the same ones I watched
as a boy) and I said, "You know, it took me a long
time to understand that there's no magic sword that
can transform you from being Prince Adam the Douche
into He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe."
I used to think that just by being intelligent and
talented, that I would be rich and never have to
worry about money. I thought that being smart was
just like He-Man's sword, just hold it aloft, say "I
have the power!" and you would become He-Man, the
most powerful man in the universe.
It took a LONG time for me to figure out that even though I was smart and talented, I still had to WORK. I'm still pissed off about it. I didn't realize when I was young that if I wanted to be the most powerful man in the universe, I needed to pick up a barbell and drink a lot of milk every day. For me, the hardest thing in the world is to do a small step toward a large goal every day over a long period of time. It's so hard for me to be patient with a process. I have this delusion that because I'm smart, everything should just be easy and should just work for me. So anything that takes time, or a lot of dedication, or a lot of consistent effort, I just get frozen up and say, "Aw, fuck it." I have so many unfinished projects, I don't even like to think about it.
And writing that last sentence reminds me of an insight I had recently. I had a clean office for awhile (I work from home) and recently it was junky in a bad way for about six weeks. I slipped into depression and just ignored it. I felt more frantic and anxious, and it got to where I just kept the door to my office closed all the time, and I just went upstairs to the t.v. room, and took my computer up there to work.
For one reason or another, I finally decided to clean the damn office. I told my wife, "I am going to..." and she said "clean your office. Blah blah blah." I realized that I had said I was going to clean my office about half a bajillion times in recent days, so I said, "if my office isn't clean by 10 pm tomorrow night, I will give you $100." I wanted that deadline to be painful. It worked! Office is now clean.
And now the insight: a part of me actually likes the stress feeling that comes from clutter. I feel like I don't deserve to enjoy what I'm doing, so I distract myself from enjoying it and being fully present by leaving a bunch of junk around that makes me feel guilty for doing something I enjoy. I look around and say, "I really want to read a book, but I can't really because I should clean. But I don't want to clean." So I read the book, but only for a minute, because I feel guilty, so I go watch t.v., but only for about 20 minutes, because I feel guilty and feel like, boy I really should be working right now, so I go read reddit.com. I click a few articles, read a couple, and think, "Man, I should clean right now." and this goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on until I can't keep my eyes open at night. I wake up at 3 am and think about what I should do tomorrow, so I get up and make a list, then I'm awake, so I go on reddit, read a few articles, watch a South Park episode, then it's 7 am and I'm exhausted, so I go to bed, sleep for an hour, then everyone's awake and I feel guilty for sleeping, so I get up, exhausted, and start the stupid procrastination process all over again because I LIKE torturing myself. I don't know why yet, but I have figured out that there is a part of me, a powerful part of me, that feels like this is the life I deserve, so I keep myself here. Distracted, not really enjoying anything, surrounded by clutter with a calendar full of missed deadlines.
It took a LONG time for me to figure out that even though I was smart and talented, I still had to WORK. I'm still pissed off about it. I didn't realize when I was young that if I wanted to be the most powerful man in the universe, I needed to pick up a barbell and drink a lot of milk every day. For me, the hardest thing in the world is to do a small step toward a large goal every day over a long period of time. It's so hard for me to be patient with a process. I have this delusion that because I'm smart, everything should just be easy and should just work for me. So anything that takes time, or a lot of dedication, or a lot of consistent effort, I just get frozen up and say, "Aw, fuck it." I have so many unfinished projects, I don't even like to think about it.
And writing that last sentence reminds me of an insight I had recently. I had a clean office for awhile (I work from home) and recently it was junky in a bad way for about six weeks. I slipped into depression and just ignored it. I felt more frantic and anxious, and it got to where I just kept the door to my office closed all the time, and I just went upstairs to the t.v. room, and took my computer up there to work.
For one reason or another, I finally decided to clean the damn office. I told my wife, "I am going to..." and she said "clean your office. Blah blah blah." I realized that I had said I was going to clean my office about half a bajillion times in recent days, so I said, "if my office isn't clean by 10 pm tomorrow night, I will give you $100." I wanted that deadline to be painful. It worked! Office is now clean.
And now the insight: a part of me actually likes the stress feeling that comes from clutter. I feel like I don't deserve to enjoy what I'm doing, so I distract myself from enjoying it and being fully present by leaving a bunch of junk around that makes me feel guilty for doing something I enjoy. I look around and say, "I really want to read a book, but I can't really because I should clean. But I don't want to clean." So I read the book, but only for a minute, because I feel guilty, so I go watch t.v., but only for about 20 minutes, because I feel guilty and feel like, boy I really should be working right now, so I go read reddit.com. I click a few articles, read a couple, and think, "Man, I should clean right now." and this goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on until I can't keep my eyes open at night. I wake up at 3 am and think about what I should do tomorrow, so I get up and make a list, then I'm awake, so I go on reddit, read a few articles, watch a South Park episode, then it's 7 am and I'm exhausted, so I go to bed, sleep for an hour, then everyone's awake and I feel guilty for sleeping, so I get up, exhausted, and start the stupid procrastination process all over again because I LIKE torturing myself. I don't know why yet, but I have figured out that there is a part of me, a powerful part of me, that feels like this is the life I deserve, so I keep myself here. Distracted, not really enjoying anything, surrounded by clutter with a calendar full of missed deadlines.
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Update on OCD/Clutter
Mar/25/08 21:42
I have had a couple of workouts since the last post,
but I didn't post them here. Still not working out as
much as I'd like. I've gotten busier at work, so it's
harder for me to workout during the day. As of
tomorrow morning I am waking up early and working out
first. The only reason I have had the momentum and
the courage to face my latest obstacles is because of
consistent exercise. Working out intensely and
frequently really helps calm the flames of anxiety
down to a manageable level. I don't want to lose that
momentum now.
Since my last post, I have been reading more from Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving, and Hoarding
.
IT's a helpful resource in understanding my
perfectionism and how that perfectionism leads
to avoidance behavior and overall paralysis. I
decided to attack the problem full-on and I have
focused my effort on not only clearing my
spaces, but keeping them clear (which is the
greater challenge). I have gotten rid of over
300 books, four boxes of clothes, and about 15
bags of trash. And I'm only getting started.
One strategy from the book that I have found immensely helpful is the idea of only dividing the things you're trying to clean up into 3-4 piles instead of trying to "organize" everything as I put it away. You saw my office in the previous post. That mess built up because of "not knowing where to put things" or "not having the time to really organize everything right now." I let go of the idea that I should do it all right the first time or never do it at all. I put all my work stuff together (still a big jumbled rat's nest of cables), had boxes for trash, a box for ebay and a box for donation. It was a LOT easier to only divide things up into just those categories while frequently telling myself that I would organize my work stuff later, after I had finished with my macro organization in the rest of the house. Before, I got way too involved in micro-organizing everything, so the job just felt overwhelming. Just having 3 or 4 categories really helped overcome the overwhelm feeling.
So I've kept you waiting for the photos. Here are the rooms after I cleaned them with no help from anyone else, which is a very important part of the process, I might add. Having help reduces the amount of responsibility you take for making the decisions about what to do with the "stuff." Not having someone else to rely on forces me to make the decisions, and face the anxiety, myself. So far so good.
Ok, ok! The pictures:
First thing I attacked was my bedroom. Got rid of over 300 books (what you see is what I kept, so yeah, I have a book thing going on).
Here's the office/workspace now. So much more comfortable! I actually look forward to going in there in the morning and closing the door. I can really focus on my work now and I enjoy it! Can you believe that?
One more view of the office.
These photos were taken about a week ago. I am happy to report that both my office and my bedroom still look like this. New personal record for cleanliness!
The new cleanliness hasn't been without problems or anxiety, however. I'll write more about that in my next post.... And I promise, I will work out between now and then, and I will post about it!
Since my last post, I have been reading more from Buried in Treasures: Help for Compulsive Acquiring, Saving, and Hoarding
.
IT's a helpful resource in understanding my
perfectionism and how that perfectionism leads
to avoidance behavior and overall paralysis. I
decided to attack the problem full-on and I have
focused my effort on not only clearing my
spaces, but keeping them clear (which is the
greater challenge). I have gotten rid of over
300 books, four boxes of clothes, and about 15
bags of trash. And I'm only getting started.
One strategy from the book that I have found immensely helpful is the idea of only dividing the things you're trying to clean up into 3-4 piles instead of trying to "organize" everything as I put it away. You saw my office in the previous post. That mess built up because of "not knowing where to put things" or "not having the time to really organize everything right now." I let go of the idea that I should do it all right the first time or never do it at all. I put all my work stuff together (still a big jumbled rat's nest of cables), had boxes for trash, a box for ebay and a box for donation. It was a LOT easier to only divide things up into just those categories while frequently telling myself that I would organize my work stuff later, after I had finished with my macro organization in the rest of the house. Before, I got way too involved in micro-organizing everything, so the job just felt overwhelming. Just having 3 or 4 categories really helped overcome the overwhelm feeling.
So I've kept you waiting for the photos. Here are the rooms after I cleaned them with no help from anyone else, which is a very important part of the process, I might add. Having help reduces the amount of responsibility you take for making the decisions about what to do with the "stuff." Not having someone else to rely on forces me to make the decisions, and face the anxiety, myself. So far so good.
Ok, ok! The pictures:
First thing I attacked was my bedroom. Got rid of over 300 books (what you see is what I kept, so yeah, I have a book thing going on).
Here's the office/workspace now. So much more comfortable! I actually look forward to going in there in the morning and closing the door. I can really focus on my work now and I enjoy it! Can you believe that?
One more view of the office.
These photos were taken about a week ago. I am happy to report that both my office and my bedroom still look like this. New personal record for cleanliness!
The new cleanliness hasn't been without problems or anxiety, however. I'll write more about that in my next post.... And I promise, I will work out between now and then, and I will post about it!